


I told you I’d be fine (I told you it was a lie)

by smudgythoughts



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Dean Prays, Episode: s13e01 Lost and Found, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-20 01:43:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12422436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smudgythoughts/pseuds/smudgythoughts
Summary: Dean thought he would be okay with Cas's death, but he's so far from okay it isn't even funny. He prays. He, Dean Winchester,prays. Even though the only person who used to answer him is now gone.





	I told you I’d be fine (I told you it was a lie)

**Author's Note:**

> Posting this five minutes before the new episode, whoo!

Dean sometimes thought about Cas dying.

With crazy Leviathans and rogue angels and the friggin’ spawn out Lucifer out there, it was all too easy.

He knows it's terrible, to think of everyone he loves as a ticking time bomb that would one day leave him. But, well, it's true. Case in point.

However it went down, Dean thought he’d be alright with Cas's death. Well not _alright_ necessarily, but okay. Unscathed. He would move forward, take care of Sammy and deal with whatever apocalypse that came up next, like all the others times he'd lost someone.

This is different. It might have something to do with the years of lingering looks between him and Cas, and the second mixtape he recently made and meant to give to Cas that's currently burning a hole in Dean's pocket. _I'll never be able to give it to him_ , he thinks somewhat deliriously. _I'll never see him smile again._

He feels _helpless_. After Kevin, he could go after Ezekiel. After Charlie, he cut down every single one of those Styne fuckers. Now… Cas is d– Cas is _gone_ and there’s no one for Dean to hurt, to punch or shoot or stab. Sure, Lucifer’s out there, but he’s trapped in a parallel world with Mary, because apparently the universe decided taking away Rowena and Crowley and Cas wasn’t enough, they had to thrown in his mom too for good measure. She’s dead. They're all dead. He can’t allow himself to think any differently; to hope, because then it’s gonna hurt so much more when they – _Cas_ stays dead.

But, there's one more chance.

Dean's not too good at asking for help. It's mostly that he's not used to being listened to, so why even bother. It comes from years of calling his dad, usually getting the keys of his phone wet with blood in the process, and John not even being bothered enough to answer.

And in God's case? Well it only took him a couple of hunts to release God gave one squat about people dying, if he was even there. Then God turned out to be real, and just as shitty as the rest of his creations. Even when he was at his absolute worst, clutching Sam's jacket in tight fists as his brother died in his arms, Dean have it in him to pray to God. Not like he was going to help.

The one constant in his life, the only person he let himself have faith in – besides Sam – was Cas. Sure, he hadn't exactly liked Castiel at the start, much less trusted him, but then Cas went and sacrificed himself for humanity, for Dean. Then he was back, and Dean didn't really knew how he felt about him. All he knew was that he was there, and not ever leaving.

Then shit got real. Purgatory. There was a way for Dean to get out, and yet Dean's didn't want to – _couldn't_ leave. Not without Cas. He prayed. Every night. For an year. Cas didn't answer. Didn't even seemed relieved to see him, even though Dean had spent an entire fucking year in that filthy place to try and find him to bring him home. Dean was used to people letting him down, but Cas was... different. A knife through his heart would've hurt less.

Then more shit happened, but ultimately Dean's faith in Cas was restored. Dean sometimes though about dropping him, cutting ties completely, because Cas was an angel, would always been an angel, flying in and out of his life. But Cas kept proving him wrong. But staying and helping when no one else would. Hell, Dean had almost killed Cas, hitting him until his face was a bloody smear, and yet Cas still stuck by his side. If Dean didn't lo- _trust_ him by then, then what the hell kind of person was Dean?

But Cas, the one person who used to answer his prayers, is – is gone. And he's been such a fixture in Dean life for so long that Dean doesn't know how he'll go on without him. Praying to God is admitting weakness, but Dean will take that over Cas staying gone any day.

"Okay Chuck. Or God or whatever." He never though he'd get to this point. "I n- I need you to help."

No answer yet. He tries not to let his hope leave him, but it's starting to slip out of his fingers like sand.

"See y-you left us. You left us. You went off... you said - you said the Earth would be fine, because it had me, it had Sam. But it's _not_." If God doesn't answer, Dean doesn't know what he'll do. Maybe break down. Finally let out all the pain and hurt and anger he'd built up for years. "And we're not."

 _Dean's_ not.

When Dean comes back with bloodied knuckles and squashed hope and a vacant look in his eyes, Sam doesn't say a thing. Only gives him a sad look. The same look Dean had given him way back when Jess died.


End file.
